A hole you’re not sure how to get out of

October 17, 2017 3:47am I’ve been severely anxious all day, and now, all night. I’ve been here so many times and it’s always the same pattern — the anxiety during the day melts into a depressive state at night. I’m much too well acquainted with this cycle. Over the past few months I’ve rarely taken depression naps, but I’ve taken two over just this past weekend. I know this is seemingly inconsequential relative to how I was before, but it’s extremely abnormal for me now. By Saturday, apart of me already knew what these signals meant, but I was in denial where my mind was going. It’s frightening to admit to myself that my symptoms are acting up because it feels like I’m slipping into a hole that I’m not sure how to get out of. Despite making so much progress in managing my illness over the past few months,…

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LITTLE SHINEY LINES AND RIDGES

When I was younger I spent a long time in turmoil with my fucked up parts, and an even longer time coming to terms with the fact that these parts of me would be inseparable from who I was. I don’t think anyone grows up expecting to spend years at odds with themselves, but I found myself there nonetheless.  At 18, my teenaged years were said and done for and I found myself at a crossroads: I could continue resist my damaged parts and let it spill over into my next chapter, or I could quietly carry them with me do my best to manage what I could. I chose the latter. I had a lot of ugly scars that no one ever saw, both physical and mental. Eventually, they just became little secrets that only I knew about. These parts of me were pushed to the back of daily…

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I’M AN ANXIOUS ROMANTIC

It was only a few months ago that I realized that I was a hopeless romantic, or at least a contemporary hopeless romantic. As a woman who prides herself in being self-sufficient and independent, I don’t believe in chivalry nor do I think romance is the ultimate goal of a relationship – but I do love love. I love a partner who indulges me in sweet, intimate gestures, almost as much as I love being the romancer myself. That being said, despite my fondness of being romantic, actually communicating the feelings behind my actions is absolutely the most nerve wrecking and an anxiety ridden experience for me. The thought of telling my boyfriend (More commonly known as my mans or Mans of Interest™) that I loved him had loomed over me for weeks, but I didn’t know how to tell him or if it would cause an awkward tension. On…

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TRANSMUTATION

It was serendipitous that I found myself listening to Rob McGinley Myers’ Anxious Machine podcast this evening. Nonetheless, I couldn’t have found a more pertinent piece to emotionally and mentally prime me for starting this blog. I had been on the cusp of writing for a very long time, but I needed a push through my writing anxiety. Today I wanted to write about what I had listened to, and my aspirations for this space. McGinley Myers is a podcaster and is diagnosed with bipolar II disorder. Unlike bipolar I, he doesn’t experience the psychotic symptoms of full mania such as delusions or hallucinations. Instead, he experiences hypomania, a milder form of mania. The symptoms of hypomania include extreme productivity, creativity, self-belief, and heightened irritability, etc. and coupled with subsequent depressive periods.  In this podcast he talks about his experience through the onset of a hypomanic episode, which had not…

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